The Referral Center

Christus Statue in Salt Lake City, Utah

'Tis Bittersweet:

This is most likely my last post before I leave on my mission to Bénin, so I will tell you all about these past four months in the Referral Center in the Provo Missionary Training Center.

The beginning
of this story is a little further back than four months though, in fact it began March 7, 2012, the day I originally entered the Missionary Training Center (MTC).  Like I have said in one of my previous posts, I was called to serve a mission to Benin Cotonou and March 7th is the day that would begin.

Well, I only made it until May 20, 2012, unfortunately. I wasn't ready to serve a mission, nor was I ready to do everything that the Lord would ask me to do. I didn't know that at the time I left March 7th, and I'm grateful I didn't know that. Coming home from my mission has been the biggest blessing in my life, which may seem strange but I will explain.

When one is called on a mission they are asked to live a life devoted to God. They put away their personal affairs and focus on the work to sharing the gospel of Jesus Christ and inviting others to come unto Him through faith in Him and His Atonement, repentance of their sins, baptism, receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost, and enduring to the end of their lives (keeping the commandments, living worthily, etc.). The work isn't as easy as that because people don't like missionaries very much. The work is physically, emotionally, and spiritually demanding, and I wasn't ready on all of those demands.

When I came home from my mission, it wasn't because I didn't know what I was doing was true, it wasn't because I didn't want to serve God by bringing others into Christ's fold, it wasn't because I didn't want to be there, it was because I didn't know I knew these things.

Sure, I may have been raised in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints  all of my life. Sure, I may have had the Holy Ghost tell me that I should serve a mission. Sure, I may have known that the things I was taught in church were true. Sure, I may have been wanting to do the things asked of me, but in the end, I didn't care.

I knew that there were blessings in store for those that abide by the commandments of God, and I knew that God loved me and wanted to give me those blessings, but I didn't care. I wanted to live in a way that made me happy, and a way that was easy. I wasn't ready to know that my whole life depended on knowing the things that I already knew.  There was something lacking in my life, and it was caring. I didn't have the motivation in life to do those things that would bless me.

As I was on my mission between March 7th and May 20th, I saw the blessings in other people's lives and I saw that I could have them in my life. I became scared of the idea of having those blessings in my life. I had never really sought after them and so I didn't think that I deserved them. Religion had always just been a fun thing, an extra subject to learn about, a good way to live life, I never went out of my way to know things, it seemed to just come naturally and easily. I went through the motions of life, and being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, a mission was one of those things.

I got out to the mission, I started to feel a way that I didn't know that I could. I started to see that my feelings for the church were filled with emotion, and that I actually KNEW that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is true. With these new found feelings came feelings of doubt and despair that I took the time before my mission for granted, that I didn't know the things that I should have known to be the best missionary that I could be. I chose to come home.

I didn't know if I was going to go back out on a mission, but I knew that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints was true. I knew that I had to live more devoted to the teachings of Jesus Christ. I had hopes to go back out on a mission, so I did what I needed to go back out, but it was a hope nonetheless.

I went to therapy sessions to analyze my personality to see if I was actually cut out to serve a mission. I went to church each Sunday to better learn the gospel and its principles. I studied my scriptures to become more in tune with the word of God. I was living my life so that I would be better, but I was still in the depths of depression for "throwing away" my opportunity to serve in my dream mission. I had always wanted to speak French and to go to Africa.

The months that followed my coming home were filled with bitterness towards myself.

I wanted to go back out, but with the therapy it proved to be more of a challenge than I had anticipated previously. It would appear that I was more "messed up" than I personally had thought myself to be. There were talks about how since I was raised by a single parent that I held on to anger towards others for being "abandoned" at birth. Something about how I am not willing to stand up for myself, I will just run from a difficulty rather than face it. I don't like things being easy, if they are too easy I make it more of a challenge than it needs to be.

So with those challenges presented, the time came when I felt as though I was ready to go back to serve a mission, my therapist thought otherwise. They thought that it would be good for me to "test the waters" by doing a service mission. Service missions are where you aren't doing it 24/7, you just do that work for an allotted time a couple days a week until they feel that you are able to serve or until they prove you to be unable. My "sentence" was for 90 days, 6 days a week, 12 hours a day in the Provo MTC Referral Center.

It was here that I gained a better understanding of the gospel. Here I was to preach the gospel through social media networks, emailing, phone, Skype, Facebook. With this being my focus, I had a lot of time spent on LDS.org to study the talks from Apostles and Prophets. I began to devour all the knowledge that I could gain. I had my testimony and will tested, but I learned that I wanted to be here.

The misssonaries that serve in the Referral Center are the best missionaries that I know. They know the gospel, they live the gospel, they bless the lives of those that they teach, and they have a love for God that you scarcely see else where. I am so grateful for the opportunity to have been able to serve alongside such amazing and devoted missionaries. If you ever want to learn about the gospel, go to Mormon.org and click the "Chat With Us" button. They are here, and they will help you.

I am going back out on my mission on May 21, 2013. I am picking up one year later, but I am going back with more devotion to this work than I thought imaginable the first time round.

My sister or mother will be posting my weekly letters on here that I send from the mission field. So, continue to check it out and see what adventures await me in Africa.